


Taako's Totally Sicknasty (and Not at All Thrall-Influenced) Belt Adventure

by notcrindy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Taako got a three guys. canonically, so here's a thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 22:57:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14757873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcrindy/pseuds/notcrindy
Summary: No need to worry, is there. It’sstylish,naturally. He feelsgreat,actually making a point to turn and twirl and admire how naturally they fit together, Elf and Weird Magic Belt Thingy. “You know, guys,” he muses casually, “this thing actuallysupercomplements my whole aesthetic! What d’you think, huh? Too granola?”“Aw,shit,” Magnus says eloquently.Well, that’srude.(AU where Taako succumbs to the Thrall of the Gaia Sash, just 'cuz. It was right there.)





	1. Prologue

There’s a voice in Taako’s head.

Okay, to be fair, there’s always one of those. It’s called his internal monologue, son, and it’s sicker than most people’s, probably. It narrates his day to day so seamlessly he doesn’t even think about it; it weighs his options and comes out with the best thing possible for Taako at any given time. It’s not literally like, an _actual_ voice, but it’s always there for defsies, and he makes sure that no external voice ever shouts over it or steers him astray. That’s just Survival 101, naturally.

So it’s kind of alarming when--when there’s _another_ voice in Taako’s head.

It takes him a moment to realize what it is, but it’s easy to tell what it is by the way it pushes his own aside. He’s walking toward the Gaia Sash, and then he’s going to put it in his bag just like he did with that ridiculous gauntlet, and then -- he stops in his tracks, ‘cuz this thing is _annoying._ This thing wants him to put it on, and _yeah_ power over nature sounds rad as all hell, nothin’ but perks, but he’s _just_ watched the bullshit that two lesbians had to go through ‘cuz of the damn thing. He’s many things, maybe, but this is a new _level_ of idiocy that he--

“Taako, what the _hell_ are you doing?”

He’s got it in his hands. He can _feel_ the conjuration magic, begging to be utilized. Here’s the thing about this belt--it _wants._ It wants so much that it’s willing to put its ache onto him, _push_ it onto him, which he didn’t sign up for no way no how, but god _damn_ does it hurt. He _feels_ it in the palm of his hands, the way it’s been so _lonely_ without someone desiring it proper, the way it was so close to finding a home with Sloane and feeling fulfilled. It needs to be _needed._ Sloane was a bust, but good news, buddy! The Sash has found _you_ now, and wouldn’t you be so wonderful together?

He’s fighting it, he thinks. He _tries._ Tries to think and tries to fight it with all of his goddamn might, but that doesn’t show on the outside because -- because he can hear Hurley’s voice begging him not to do it, _three_ voices in his head now. And he can hear Sloane so confident that he’s better than this and he can beat the thing, but she barely knows _anything --_ _four_ voices now, and that’s too many fucking voices, and Merle and Magnus are both going for him but he swats them all away like pesky flies.

It fits real good on him, see?

No need to worry, is there. It’s _stylish,_ naturally. He feels _great,_ actually making a point to turn and twirl and admire how naturally they fit together, Elf and Weird Magic Belt Thingy. “You know, guys,” he muses casually, “this thing actually _super_ complements my whole aesthetic! What d’you think, huh? Too granola?”

“Aw, _shit,_ ” Magnus says eloquently.

Well, that’s _rude._

“Look, it’s like not even turning me crazy or anything,” he tries to reassure them. His tongue is so _sharp_ right now; he’s so _charismatic_ right now, probably off the charts. “I dunno, guys -- maybe the Director was sorta _wrong_ about this Relic stuff. Maybe because we’re so good at resisting the Thrall, like, we don’t even have to sweat it, you know?”

Merle’s listening with his arms crossed. “Uh-huh. Seems like someone’s a little bad at resisting the Thrall right _now._ ”

“Bullshit,” Taako argues. He’s so himself right now.

“Take it off, then,” Merle challenges him. “If you’re so sure, take it off.”

“Pfft,” Taako scoffs, waving a hand dismissively, which is exactly what all of his friends have earned right now. “Don’t be so _ridiculous,_ Merle, okay? I can take this thing off any time, any place. It’s totally no bigs.”

“...Then do it.”

“What?”

“You heard him,” Magnus says, crossing his arms too. “Take it off.”

“After that, you’ll get to put it back on, no problem!” Merle reassures him. “We won’t worry about you anymore, and you can wear it to your heart’s content. Just take it off _real_ quick.”

“Fine,” Taako grumbles, irritated, going to take it off, but--

\--but, but--

\--his voice says, or the other voice says, or they’re the _same_ \--

 _Why would he_ **_want_ ** _to?_

“Wait, actually, no. _Fuck_ this,” he protests, and the Sash stays right where it belongs on his person. “I respect your ‘concern’ and all, but Taako’s a _free spirit!_ I’m not just gonna go around taking fly as hell _belts_ off just ‘cuz someone else says so.”

“Yeah, that uh, pretty much _screams_ under the Thrall to me, Taako,” Merle says.

“Pcht. Don’t be _stupid._ Look at me! Not even shootin’ any vines out of these fingers or nothin’. And you’re getting _so_ worked up anyway. Just ‘cuz I’ve got a _belt_ on.”

“You _know_ it’s more serious than that, Taako,” Magnus tries to argue. “Look at what just happened to Sloane and Hurley! _You_ were more upset than _any_ of us about that one!”

Taako rolls his eyes. “I mean, yeah, okay, supes tragic and everything, a good life lesson. But--no offense--do you see _me_ turning into a tree? No. Because Taako has his shit _handled._ ” His fingers have a slight itch in them, though. He’s sensitive to that magic, that need for conjuration, but he can--hold out, but--why _would_ he? “Maybe she just wasn’t using it right,” he muses just a little. “Maybe _that’s_ it.”

“Taako,” Magnus tries to rush at him, “we’ve _gotta_ get rid of that thing--”

“ _No!!_ ” It’s a little more forceful than he intends, but Taako _shoots_ a vine out of his hands, making sure to wrap both Merle and Magnus in it. “And for the record, I _super_ didn’t want to do that, but you kind of forced me into it. Great, now I’m the guy that shoots fucking _vines_ from his hands, and now that’s gotta be like, my whole thing.”

“Taako,” Magnus points out, trying to wriggle and reach his tacky Railsplitter, “you’re smiling.”

“Am I?”

Yes. Because it feels--it feels _good_ to do that.

“Guess I’m kinda leanin’ into it, huh!” His voice sounds cheerful and manic in a way it usually… ...doesn’t. But that’s because he feels so _off the charts amazing,_ and honestly? He’s _earned_ that feeling after being so miserable and so alone for so long. He’s _earned_ it after watching the downfall of his own fame--he _deserves_ it, and hell--

“Guess transmutation really _wasn’t_ my thing, huh, guys? No wonder ‘Sizzle it Up’ went belly-up. But I totally get it now. I can see everything so _clearly._ ” His eyes are far away, wide, wild, and he’s dancing in his movements in a new way he never has before, flowers growing under his feet. “I fucked up on my life path, see? I was meant to conjure stuff all along!! Like _this._ ”

With a wave of his hand, a datura flower blossoms.

He giggles. “This is how I can do it, do some _good_ for the world and my--my _brand._ This has always been it. Don’t you get it? It’s a _good_ thing.”

Merle’s voice is surprisingly calm for someone who’s entangled in vines. He’s probably _into_ it or something--yucka _roo._ That alone is enough to get Taako to do away with them in his case, and he drops to the floor. “Okay, so how about we go back to the moonbase and see what good you can do there, huh? We can show the Director these Relics aren’t so bad, how about that?”

“Oh, c’mon, Merle,” says Magnus bluntly, “she’d never _go_ for it. She’d just--”

The dwarf elbows him as hard as he can from his height.

“Oh, uh, I mean, yeah! Let’s go back to the base and--”

“As _if,_ ” Taako hisses. “Nice effort, Highchurch, but I don’t even need your Zone of Truth schtick to know you’re talkin’ out your ass. If we go back to the moonbase, the Director’s just gonna want me to let that little gnome take it to the incinerator or whatever. She won’t _care_ that I’m like, obviously not enthralled. She’ll just want to… ...destroy it…”

And he can’t let that _happen._

He _aches_ at the thought of it. All this fucking potential and power wasted just ‘cuz Madame Director wants to get her kicks. It sickens him, as a wizard and as a fucking _person._ “Eugh, no _thanks._ Look, I’m gonna go find a proper use for my talent _elsewhere,_ cool? You guys don’t seem to be super on board with this Sash thing no matter _what_ I try, so I’m gonna go splitsville. Hope y’all come to your senses soon, though!”

Merle tries to rush him again, which is hilarious. Not vines this time, which he’d be into, but spikes that nick the hell out of his arm. Magnus yells his name as Merle falls to the floor, pretty decently scraped up. “Again, _super_ didn’t want to do that, was made to do it--”

“Taako, how _could_ you? Merle’s our _friend._ ”

“Oh, _please._ It’s probably kinky for him or something.”

“Okay, _gross._ ”

“Oh, _disgusting._ Both yuck _and_ yikes territory for sure,” Taako agrees because he’s not an unreasonable man. “Still true, though. Anyway, don’t get it twisted -- it’s been super great working for y’all, but I got bigger and better things to do now! Peace!”

A flash of lightning and an intimidating _roar_ of thunder announce his exit officially.

“Well, we’re in deep shit," Magnus remarks.

"Yeah," Merle agrees.

There's nothing more to say.


	2. Chapter 1

A beat passes.

Several beats.

Someone’s going to have to call for a pod. The Director needs to know about this.

Oh, fuck. 

_ The Director needs to know about this. _

“Okay, well, only one of us should go,” Merle reasons. “‘cuz someone needs to be on the lookout for our wizard.”

“Yeah,” Magnus agrees, “one of us should  _ definitely _ go.”

He’s eyeing Merle like Merle’s gonna be the one who does it, which is  _ ridiculous _ and  _ unfair. _ Like hell if Merle wants to be the one to deliver this kind of bad news to the boss, and  _ plus, _ plants are his specialty (Magnus makes a face at this). He can probably do a whole lot of good  _ here, _ and not up relaying stuff to the Director and wasting time.

“Fine,” Magnus says, “we’ll Rock, Parchment, Shears for it.”

Merle raises an eyebrow. “...You  _ kiddin’? _ ”

Magnus is already ready to go. 

Merle rubs his temples and sighs. “...okay. Rock, Parchment, Shears.”

“ _ Yessss, _ ” Magnus hisses in victory, even though his dwarven companion is  _ pretty _ sure he’s just going to cheat and make him go anyway. “Okay, let’s go, old man. Rock, Parchment, Shears,  _ shoot. _ Wow, I’m really  _ good _ at this game. Shears  _ cuts _ parchment. Who picks  _ parchment? _ ”

“People who thought you’d pick rock,” Merle grumbles. “A-Anyway, best two out of three.”

“What? No  _ fair, _ ” Magnus protests. “I won fair and  _ square. _ ”

“Then you should have no trouble winning  _ again. _ ”

Magnus narrows his eyes. “That logic’s  _ bullshit, _ but okay. Let’s go. Rock, Parchment, Shears,  _ shoot. _ ”

“ _ Hah!! _ ” Merle crows triumphantly. “Parchment  _ covers _ rock. I  _ knew  _ you’d pick rock eventually.”

“You know me too well,” Magnus complains sullenly. “But it’s not over  _ yet. _ One more round!”

“Sounds good to me.”

Both of their eyes are darting back and forth between their own hands and the hands of their opponent. It’s really tense, even when stacked up against an already tense day, but Merle knows when to admit he’s also kind of having a little fun. He can tell from the playful glint in his eye that Magnus is too, which is good enough. A victory in its own right.

“ _ Rock, parchment, shears, shoot!! _ ”

...Aw, fuck.

“Shears cuts _parchment!!_ Why do you _always_ pick parchment?” Magnus is sporting a _wide_ and smug grin. “It’s the most boring of the options! Haha, it doesn’t matter, ‘cuz _I_ won. Fair and _square_ _again_.”

This is not Merle’s day. “Fine, fine,” he grumbles, sighing. “I’ll call for a pod.”

“ _ Yes. _ ”

“But you better  _ stay focused.  _ And uh, try not to  _ hurt  _ him.”

Magnus already has his eyes peeled, squinting off in the distance like that’s gonna help. He’s also brandishing his Railsplitter a  _ little _ too eagerly, which makes Merle worried for Taako  _ and _ the plants. “Pfft. Merle, you know I’d never hurt Taako! He’s our buddy.”

“ _ Literally, _ ” Merle jokes to lift the tension, laughing.

Magnus stares at him blankly.

“You know, because--because he has plant powers now. Like budding. So he’s our  _ buddy. _ ”

“Merle, this is _no_ _time_ for your bad _jokes!_ ”

Merle rolls his eyes. “All right, all right, I’m  _ goin’. _ Lay off me, will you?”

He’s unappreciated in his time.

 

* * *

 

When Lucretia sees what’s happening with Taako, she feels  _ actual absolute horror. _ Sure, at first it’s maybe mere disbelief at what’s happening in front of her, but that quickly evolves into an actual  _ guilt _ absolutely gnawing and twisting at her gut, relentless. She has to keep her composure as best as possible, but it’s hard not to feel absolutely nauseous as she watches him clasp the Sash around his waist and then babble manically about it with that  _ look _ in his eyes.

“Oh, shit,” Avi gasps. “The new guys. What do we  _ do, _ Madame Director?”

She barely even registers the question. The loss of Captain Bane is already so unfortunate, but  _ this…  _ Her family, if in secret, succumbing to the Thrall she’s witnessed again and again… The same Thrall that’s leveled cities… If anyone, she would have been a little cautious of  _ Merle _ getting too attached to the thing, but  _ Taako? _ It doesn’t make sense. Her mind reels for another moment, heart pounding. She thought if she kept them close, she could keep them safe. She thought she was doing what was best… ...she thought--

Avi’s voice comes again. “Uh, Madame Director? What’s our course of action here?”

“Hm?”

“What’s the  _ plan? _ ”

Right. Lucretia does her best to shake her head and snap back into focus, face the perfect example of stoicism. What’s done is done; if she wants her boys back alive and  _ safe, _ she has to do what she’s tried to do so many countless times and forget her existence as the baby of the IPRE, the keeper of the journals and a member of a family, and don her mask as the Madame. She has to keep it together if she’s going to get them out of this, so her upper lip stiffens and she turns to Avi. “Get the new Regulator, Carey Fangbattle. Send her out with Killian. I wasn’t anticipating this so soon, but… ...but it’s what has to happen.”

“You got it, Director.”

“Oh, but Avi?”

“Yeah, Madame Director?”

She stares him stone cold serious in the eyes. “Bring them to  _ me _ before they go, okay? It’s imperative that I speak with them both before their departure.”

“No prob.”

Avi’s a good man and stellar at following orders, so he ushers both Regulators into her office without complaint. She’s trying as much as she can to keep the look on her face impassive, though she’s frayed at the ends on the inside. To help herself focus on the task at hand and not her useless feelings about it all, she sizes them both up. Killian is reliable for tasks Regulators are usually known for, and she’s intimidating and skilled enough that it’s easy to see why, but it might be difficult for her to carry out this  _ particular _ task. Carey is a wild card, but hopefully a good listener, looking eager and ready for the task at hand.

“I’m sure you know why I’ve called you here,” she addresses them professionally.

“Someone’s Enthralled ‘n’ usin’ a Relic, ma’am,” Carey answers, very seriously.

“And we gotta stop ‘em,” Killian answers right after her.

“That is correct. However, this is a special case.”

Killian looks inquisitively over at Carey, then at Lucretia. “How so, ma’am?”

“Well, it’s going to require… ...less brute force and excellent marksmanship, Killian. Um… ...due to the nature of the person Enthralled. I would… ... _ prefer _ it if you left him unharmed.”

“Who is it, Ma’am--” Killian starts to ask, and Lucretia watches as it dawns on her. “Wait. We haven’t gotten the Gaia Sash back yet. The  _ new _ guys?”

“Um, only one of them, actually, but--”

“But I thought you said they were the only ones known to  _ resist _ the--”

“It’s Taako,” she says with more briskness and irateness than she means, letting the mask slip for just a moment. “It’s  _ Taako. _ He gave into the Thrall, and is now  _ hopefully _ still within the Goldcliff city limits doing gods’ only  _ know  _ what. Carey, this is why I’ve decided to bring you on. You’re a Rogue, correct?”

Carey nods. “Yes, Lucretia, ma’am, uh, sir!”

“I’d like you to try to swipe it off of him, if at all possible.  _ Make sure _ both of the other boys are with you, and Killian, to help you resist the Thrall. Killian, subdue him all you can if he becomes powerful, but do  _ not _ kill him.  _ Please. _ ”

Her voice starts to crack, but Killian doesn’t question it, bless her. “Yes, ma’am. We’re on it--”

And then Merle Highchurch bursts through the door, nearly giving Lucretia a  _ heart _ attack. He looks nervous and frazzled, and Lucretia can’t help but feel for him and worry about what might’ve happened. “Madame Director, sorry to bust in on you like this, but--”

“Oh, my  _ goodness,  _ Merle,” she bleats out in the most unprofessional way ever. “What  _ happened _ out there? Is Magnus okay? Is… ...is  _ Taako _ okay? Please, tell me they’re okay--”

“Well, they’re not  _ dead _ , at least,” Merle laughs nervously.

“Thank  _ gods, _ ” she sighs under her breath. “Then why are you  _ here? _ ”

“Well, I came to tell you that uh, Taako sort of got his hands on the belt and succumbed to the Thrall, and--” He’s wringing his hands; he looks nervous to confront her.

She hates this.

“I am  _ aware _ of that, Merle. We saw everything. You  _ really _ didn’t need to call for a pod and Avi didn’t need to fulfill your request--”

“Sorry, ma’am,” Avi apologizes from far away.

Lucretia rubs her temples. “Oh, I suppose it doesn’t matter. Just go with Killian and Carey, will you? Find him, but keep him safe, and keep  _ yourselves _ safe, all right?”

“You got’cha, Madame Director,” Merle says with that serious twinkle in his eye that she’s known for ages. He feels  _ protective _ of Taako and Magnus, she’s sure of it, and he’ll at least make sure that no harm comes to either of them, even if the other girls struggle with it. Plus, his being a faithful servant to Pan will probably prove useful, so she… ... _ tries _ to feel okay about it as she sees them off.

As soon as everyone leaves, she sinks to the floor.

She stays there for awhile.

 

* * *

 

It isn’t hard to spot Taako when Magnus finally does. It takes a lot of asking around at first. The city is just recovering from the trauma Sloane inflicted upon it, so everyone looks wary and concerned when he starts asking around for an elf with a strange belt on. Some of them have their stories mixed up; they start telling him about the Raven, which he  _ knows _ about already, you guys. She’s a half-elf, and Taako’s an  _ elf. _

This only worries people… ...more.

This isn’t the way to deal with shit at all, but he has no other choice. Until it occurs to him that… ...he hasn’t really checked Little West End. The battlewagon racing out there is a  _ big, big _ deal and attraction for a lot of people, poor people who can’t afford to stay out of trouble and people too rich to get in trouble alike, and… ...well, he starts to try to think about what Taako  _ said. _ He thinks about how Taako seemed obsessed with renewing his ‘brand,’ whatever that meant, and regaining fame.

So he treks back to where the battlewagon races are held and finds… ...flower petals.

Pink flower petals, yellow flower petals, blue flower petals, indigo flower petals, red flower petals, orange flower petals… ...petals of  _ all _ kinds. Types of petals he’s never seen before, from plants he doesn’t recognize. Color combinations that don’t make sense. He sees… ...battlewagons all entangled in thorny vines, their riders trapped inside and yelling profanities. He sees the track laced with spikes--presumably poisonous.

And poised in the middle of it all, Magnus sees… ….a flower.

A big, vibrant ridiculous flower that unfolds, leaving Taako in the center. The entire sky darkens with clouds, except for the spot in which Taako proudly stands, which is sunny and bright, almost as if nature’s created a spotlight for him. There are all sorts of flowers woven into his hat already, adorning his dress, at his feet.

“Why waste your time on  _ this _ barbaric nonsense,” Taako trills, “when you can watch and applaud something  _ beautiful? _ ”

Magnus feels something worm its way into his brain. Fuck. Fuck Taako for this.  _ Fuck _ Taako for playing with his head, fuck Taako for trying to plant  _ emotions _ there, fuck Taako for--fuck Taako for--huh? Why was he so mad? This plan is  _ amazing. _ Magnus can only sit and watch the beautiful show before him unfold. People utterly  _ dazzled _ by Taako’s sheer beauty agree and start to applaud, and well, it’d be awkward not to, so Magnus claps too.

“Way to go, buddy,” he claps, whispering to someone else in the crowd of people. “Can you believe this guy is my  _ friend? _ ”

“He’s  _ amazing. _ ”

“I  _ know. _ And I mean, it’s not like he’s hurting anybody, you know?”

“What the hell are you  _ doing, _ ” says another voice, and Magnus barely has time to react before he’s tackled by a familiar orc and a new face. It’s enough to jar him out of it, but when he starts to question who the dragonborn with them is, Merle puts a hand over his mouth and Killian drags him out of earshot.

“Sorry,” Magnus apologizes. “He charmed me or hypnotized me or… ... _ something. _ ”

He still shudders to think of the effect it had on his brain.

“That’s fine,” Merle said, “now that we know where he is. We have to be really careful not to  _ hurt _ him, ‘kay? Madame Director’s orders.”

“I would  _ never _ hurt Taako.”

“Magnus, you’re not whispering quietly enough!”

“Oh, sorry,” he tries, “I would  _ never _ hurt Taako. He’s my friend.”

“He’s  _ our _ friend,” Merle says protectively, and suddenly--

 

* * *

 

\--everyone is snapping out of it, everyone is so upset. People are cursing and some are getting hurt by the poison vines and in the center of it is Taako, whose eyes look so far away.

Paralyzed with fear for just a moment.

Watching people around him hurt and keel over and  _ scream _ and  _ run, _ and he can’t… ...hell no, he can’t go through this  _ again. _ The conscious part of him, the weak part of him still so bound and gagged by Sazed and what  _ he did _ to all those people in Glamour Springs, looks out in horror and wonders how it could go so wrong again. He buckles then curls up and in on himself, and he sits, and then--the Voice inside--the Belt--the Belt-- _ his desire says, _

_ Shh. No. I  _ **_will_ ** _ be appreciated. This will make me  _ **_complete._ **

And he vanishes with a clap of thunder.

Time to try something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, hopefully this chapter was good. <3 idk.

**Author's Note:**

> well i've wanted to write This One for awhile so!!! hopefully it's entertaining so far. writing is hard lately but i love all of you. PEACE. <3


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